|
[31 Dec 2009|12:56am] |
2009 speaks for itself. maybe i'll have to let go of less things next year. i think it's only natural to consider the net flow of this year, whether it waxed or waned. er....
well, i certainly like having conversations more. and i know more people
er... doing more / owning less. i focus my wildness into a clear, revealing spotlight. this is the first decade that i've been aware of, start to finish. i think the 90's started sometime in 1993 for me, probably as soon as i saw jurassic park. i left richmond on the 19th and drove 20 miles per hour at maximum all the way up 95 into a heavy snowswarm and stopped at three gas stations which were all packed with stranded drivers. i wanted to stop and sleep so badly, but that would make matters worse. all of my windows were fogged on the inside and wiping them with a bandanna would just smear the moisture around, and my windshield wipers were freezing over and i had to hunch to see anything at all. i was glad to be doing it in virginia going north instead of missouri going west. it had been a long time since i was persistently and unavoidably and acutely uncomfortable. i had a sharp cramp in my upper back that would pain me whenever i breathed deeply and i tried to stretch or sit in a way that stretched it but i just couldn't, and i remembered the sea, or any job at all. i endured it with a bit of satisfaction.
seven hours to silver spring from richmond. i really didn't have to, but i couldn't help not doing it. i roamed around the woods at guilford with alex yockey in april 2006 just so we could take some pictures and we had to get down a little dirt cliff and across the stream at the bottom. ten feet down, six feet forward. yockey got across in a way i dont remember because the whole time it was happening, the idea of jumping across was turning from amusing to impossible to frightening to burdensome - burdensome in that it had to happen. i could easily climb down and find rocks to step across on, this was the obvious answer and therefore normally the one and only choice, because what would be the point in making it harder? but, on the other hand, i could also jump across. life's been so boring and i'm creating my new self with every new experience. it was stressful to think about. i could climb down and inch across and not have to worry about doing it anymore because it was over, or i could jump across and not have to worry about doing it anymore because i beat it... it had to happen this way. there was a slope down into the cliff and a mess of roots not too far from the edge, but the sand on the other side was soft looking, but there was an exposed root at the edge i might catch my toe in, but this is spring and it's tooo thousand sicks and i have been learning to live by the gut, act with my guts and already i'm thinking too much so i spring out into the air and bring my legs forward in a weightless moment of uncertainty and slam feet first into the sand on the other side. alex asks if i'm ok and i say "oh yeah".
december 31st 2009
i didn't get everything done in 2009 but that's what tomorrow's for
|
|
| This is why Sandman must be real |
[24 Dec 2009|10:57am] |
I have dreamspaces that I visit again and again and have since childhood.
There's a ride at Disneyland in my head. It's not a real ride, nor has it ever been (I've been to Disneyland about 100 times in my life, and I would definitely know if it had ever been real). It's sometimes based around Woody Woodpecker, sometimes around Panchito, the Mexican bird from the Three Caballeros. It's a short ride that turns into a metal rollercoaster and has a huge drop--really long drop, but the incline is not so crazy, so you end up on the other side of the park from where you started.
The first time I dreamt about it, I was probably 9 or 10 and dreaming that my friend Frieda and I went on it together. Frieda and I actually did go to Disneyland together a number of times, so within the context of the dream it made so much sense that this particular ride always felt real. I've dreamt about it a number of times since, always remembering the first time I visited this space with Frieda.
Last night I dreamt about it again. I was on a ride at Disneyland with some of the kids from my class, and it was only when I got to the end of the ride that I realized which one it was. They had changed the theme. It was no longer based around Woody Woodpecker or Panchito. I'm not sure what it was based around, but in my dream I just cried and cried for my lost childhood.
And then I woke up.
|
|
